Don't Know Much

When I first decided to blog, there were many things I wanted this blog to be. I wanted to have things in writing for just me. I wanted to share just in general. Because of my duties at home, I don't always feel I have the time to talk on the phone and I was hoping to make up for some of those times of connecting. I also wanted this to be a refuge for those who would come and have them remember the Father that we have who loves and walks and struggles with us through this life. I wanted that to be palpable. So I want the topics to be real and pertinent. That being said I read an article yesterday about the 5 most important things to remember to do in your marriage or something like that. I think marriage is one of the most pertinent topics on my list. It was a good reminder of some things. I take advice from most anywhere and try to pick through so I don't throw the meat out with the bones, so to speak. But of course after reading I started to take stock. How are Jonathan and I doing? Are we doing this thing right? Are we failing miserably but in denial? I think our marriage is in pretty good shape. There are always things to improve upon. Since we have been married something that has struck me is the amount of weddings we have attended. It's funny to now have my daughters watching me during a ceremony to see have I started crying yet. I used to watch television shows and wonder about that. Why do women cry at weddings? It's not sad! So why do I cry? Well let me tell you first about this last wedding we went to and prayerfully I can shed some light on this. The last wedding we attended was of a young lady who we love dearly and a young man we also love who come from families that we love and admire. We have been excited since the announcement. This was one wedding we would not have missed for anything! So sitting there, that lovely fall afternoon, the wedding began but not at all like any other wedding we had attended. Although all the people getting married that we have known have been believers these two young people had decided to model the coming of Messiah for His bride in their ceremony. So she waited at the alter for her groom to arrive. As the shofar blew he came forward and that was just the beginning. OK so as I start to tear up even now at the very thought of the picture they painted for us that day, I realized at that moment why I cry. I cry because I SEE. Growing up I don't remember attending very many weddings at all. A matter of fact I can count on my hand how many I went to. My parents marriage was not a good one. I also didn't see many marriages up close and personal that made me desire to be married. I wonder if my parents had known or seen what I did that day would it have helped them focus more on this very serious covenant we have called marriage. Weddings are a celebration, yes! Two people coming together to share their love and say to the world this is whom I will spend the rest of my life with. Beyond that, weddings have for me become a reminder of so much more. As I sit in the seat of the onlooker I am reminded of how Jonathan and I started. It was shaky. Not fairy tale at all. But what our Father has done is beyond wonderful! We see Him all through our years together. Two very clueless people slowly having this marriage mystery and the weight and depth of it revealed in every passing year. We are so aware of what we are modeling. We still don't get it right much of the times(I am more guilty of that than my husband), but we understand what this marriage is supposed to be so much more than just two people loving each other so much. Our love runs out. Weddings are a scope for us to look through and see through the eyes of our Creator. Weddings are an oasis where we can be refreshed and filled with the Love that is able to sustain a marriage. It will never be human love that can do that. As these two young people shared their vows, which were entirely from scripture I was moved to do something I wish I would have known to do when I married my wonderful groom. As I sat the next morning having my quiet time I felt led to write vows. Loving my husband was not something I really knew how to do in the beginning but as it is revealed to me I can start today or tomorrow whenever I get it. I don't have to continue in the direction i am going. When the Father reveals some way that I have not been loving Jonathan well I can vow right then. I can confess when I see the shortcoming and I ask for forgiveness from Jonathan or my children even, when they have been witness to my bad behavior. What I know is we can start today! Looking to our Creator and asking Him for guidance and forgiveness for the ways we fall short in modeling out marriage in a truly biblical way. We can start today loving better than we did yesterday and vowing to do what we may not have been doing for however long. I am so thankful for every couple that has had a ceremony that has encouraged me, convicted me, refreshed me in the relationship that I cherish most on this earth. I love Jonathan, my groom! Besides my Savior he is my most precious treasure in this world. Today I vow to be better at loving, honoring, and respecting him than I did yesterday. Looking back over the article, that was the meat. Be intentional about your marriage and don't let it ever be something that is not a priority. Marriage is hard work and takes two people who are willing to do the work. Most importantly, I think if you are not able to SEE what marriage is really about and understand what we are to be mirroring in our marriages, you are doomed to fall short more than succeed. Our own love,in our own strength is not enough;it never has been and never will be.

Going Back to Start Again

After not writing for quite a while, I have been inspired and encouraged by some recent events to start writing again. Not because I believe I am a fantastic writer but because I got to see that I was blessing someone and that my Father was getting the glory out of my little thoughts and my little life. I really did want this to be a place where I could share my genuine love for my heavenly Father and the life that He is unfolding on this Walk of Faith. So where to begin? Two years is a lot of life to put into words. I do want to catch up on one really important event, which is the additions to our family. Last time I wrote we were a "little" family of 6. Now we are a family of 7 with the addition of Boaz our newest bundle as of January 2013. And by the end of this summer we will, in my mind, be officially a big family of 8. Having children is always a blessing and an event worth celebrating but for us having Boaz and the announcement of this new baby is an answer to much prayer.In 2006, as far as we were concerned we had a big family with addition of baby 4. So what happened to us? Our families think we have lost our minds! And if I could tell you how many comments about being done we have gotten, or the stares! Somewhere we jumped on the road to peculiar. "But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." And I am glad to say we can't seem to find our way back! Although we thought this chapter had come to a close, we were so totally wrong! This chapter was just no longer being written by our hands. (you know cause the other chapters were). This is a little of our testimony: a story of a heavenly Father who is patient and gentle and loving and who rewards us when we choose to obey and trust and one that can be found when you truly seek Him.

In August of 2011, in the wee hours of the morning, we dropped our children off with sweet friends and headed off to Oklahoma for a very serious matter. We were on what we consider to be a mission from our Father or maybe for our Father. Before you give me a side eye glance just hear me out. Before we moved to the great state of Texas we lived in Virginia and found out about a doctor who was in Oklahoma. He was a specialist but not something that you would hear about frequently,ok maybe never! See, my husband didn't have a disease or a condition but he had made a decision a few years before that since, he has been convicted about and sought counsel on the best way to handle repentance. If we believe repentance is changing our direction, how would it work in this case? Well after much prayer and counsel and searching out options, a doctor appeared who would be able to take care of our problem. Let me tell what our problem was. The problem that we created. My husband had a vasectomy.Some call it getting fixed we now consider it just the opposite. We believed, at the time, we had 4 children and that was a great number and AFFORDABLE! Who can afford more than 4 children in today's economy? We would have to be pretty wealthy to have THAT many children. We are NOT wealthy. We are regular people sometimes wondering how we might afford this or that. We have sacrificed many a luxury because we have chosen a more traditional household. I have a had a couple of odd jobs here and there but Jonathan is the sole provider for our family. BUT if we are Believers and are supposed to have the mind of our Redeemer? what does the Father actually say about children? What are His thoughts and what has he told us should be our thoughts in regard to how many is too many? I realize that I/we had not consulted our Father about having children; hadn't really thought about Him being the One who created the life. The culture in which we live leads us to believe these are our choices and it is in our hands. We are in control. It was always our actions and the right time and look what happens. But it doesn't happen like that for everyone. We were blessed! Because there is only One who creates a life, makes my body fit to carry that life and brings that life forth. It is all for His purpose and His plan. And even that miscarriage I had....yeah that was still Him. I don't have all the answers, but I know that for years we just put Him in the background pretending He was not the active force and so we thought we had a right to try to help Him out. So in August of 2011 we changed and did all we knew to try and submit to a plan that we did not have the details of and show Him that we were giving back control to the One who had it all along. We didn't know what to expect honestly. Obedience was our main goal; to turn back to Him. Telling our Father that we were sorry and fixing what we broke was all we were thinking about that day. And then we would wait. And we did wait. And in the meantime we took some adoption classes and fostering classes because, well maybe that would really be the way the Father fixed what we broke and we could grown our family that way. But in April of 2012 I walked outside to tell my husband I thought we just might need a pregnancy test. We named our gift, that we know, without a shadow of a doubt, comes from above Boaz Jachin, which means In strength Yahweh establishes!(in case we should ever forget!Forget what He has done for us in giving us 5 beautiful babies to raise for Him and His glory! Forget that once upon a time having no children was a very real option for me. Forget that He has provided all of our NEEDs according to His riches in glory! Forget that children are an heritage of Adonai and the fruit of the womb is His reward and that blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them! So you are caught up, at least a little. I am thankful to have a chance to share and hope you pray for me to stay the course.

Oh! How Sweetly He Delivers!!

During the winter months most of my mornings are spent in a little sunny spot on my sofa with my bible or devotional and journal and me and Him. I pray for whatever is pending or listed in my mind or on our prayer wall. I have been praying for a friend's friend who I don't know very well at all but he has been in the hospital with some pretty serious health issues. I pray for a miracle. I pray for healing and deliverance and peace and comfort but I have been thinking alot lately about what all that equates to looking like on this side of eternity.
Death is inevitable after all, for all of us. We must all shed these temporary dwellings that we call bodies. With that thought comes an uncertainty and I sometimes find myself not knowing how to pray. As someone who believes my Father loves us with more love than our minds can even begin to understand, a miracle can be death. Now I know that it is ok to ask my Father for what I want in a situation and to not be anxious about anything, but looking back over stories in my present life and also those believers who have left us such wonderful examples of praying for the desire they felt at the present moment but knowing that G-d has the ultimate and final say, I wonder if we may have something a little the matter with our thinking. The Hebrew boys facing death in a furnace said that their G-d was able to deliver but if He didn't.... (you should know the rest). Now the three of those boys coming out of the furnace unharmed is most definitely a miracle but if those boys had died in that furnace, I think in many of our minds we don't see that as HIS deliverance. I know for a long time I didn't. If G-d delivers isn't it supposed to be a favorably joyful outcome? Shouldn't we all have our lives back in order just the way it "should" be. And tomorrow when I wake up all is "right" with the world and I can go back to my wonderful life being free from sickness and sadness and whatever other heavy things tend to get in the way of this paradise. But that is just it isn't it? THIS isn't paradise! That will come only after the sickness and death and prayers for miracles that do not have outcomes that sometimes make us forget what is really going on here. There is a pastor that I know that calls it over realized eschatology. I think many of us suffer from a case of it. Believing that we will live this paradise of a life here and then go on to another height of pleasure and enjoyment "there". My prayer for my friend's friend is that he would be delivered and healed. My prayer for my niece is the same. My prayers for many others is the same... I WANT a miracle for them to be around for alot longer, to live strong healthy lives. But I have to trust that just like G-d could have delivered the Hebrew boys into His own hand and took them home to be with Him that could be and is the result for many. We have to trust that when and only when G-d says so will someone be made well or delivered into His hands. The common cliche of "a better place" is a reality not just a catch phrase. Prayer is the communication that we are given to talk to the Father but mostly to remember that He is constant through each and every miracle no matter what it looks like to us and He is the ONE that can make them happen. To live IS Christ to die is GAIN! It really doesn't get any sweeter than that.

Beautiful Sorrow

A friend of mine lost her mom yesterday. I got the phone call and fell apart immediately. I wasn't extremely close to her mother but I loved her as many of us did. I spent much of my night, before drifting off to sleep finally, praying for my friend. As I prayed what happened was painful but needed. Sometimes in situations I don't know what to pray. I feel like I am just babbling words that don't quite fit the situation or I can't quite express what my feelings really are and they cannot be articulated sufficiently into a prayer. What happened as I lay in the darkness was the L-rd brought back so many emotions of what I felt the night my own mother died. I was transported back to the house, the smells, each person that sat in my room with me, how I couldn't go into a dark room for months afterward, how I felt the peace of G-d so strongly sometimes and then so desperately alone at others. The fear, the sadness, the uncertainty and so many other emotions all at one time that would wash over me. That day has shifted the way I look at EVERYTHING. So I prayed specifically for those issues for my friend. I realize we don't suffer because G-d is this scary monster up in the sky who seeks to cause us pain. We suffer for reasons so outside of ourselves. I feel today I have lost my mother again but it is because I need to pray for my friend and, for what the road looks like ahead. I am thankful that I am not babbling today but, because I really have been where she is today, I can intercede on her behalf. I can also pray that the same peace and love that was mine will be hers. I can pray that her heart would be held by the one who made it; that He will rock her in the middle of the night when her heart cries out for the mother that is not in this life anymore. I can pray that in a few months when others are not as attentive she will not feel alone. I can pray that the joy of memories will carry her on the hard days. I can pray that she would not be afraid or embarrassed to cry when it feels like she should be alright. I am thankful for the exchange of beauty for my ashes, gladness for mourning and peace for despair. When I am able to go to my Father, on behalf of my sister, and cry for her and tell Him to help her not hurt, and to take care of her just like He did me, it is evident my suffering is not in vain.

Why do we think so much of ourselves?

Sometimes what you want to say has already been said. And it has been said so much better than you probably ever could. I know when to just let someone else do the talking.


The following quote comes from the pen of Horatius Bonar (1808 - 1889), the great Scottish preacher, poet, author and hymn writer (and probably other stuff too). It talks about the true nature of belief in God. *****

In all unbelief there are these two things—a good opinion of one’s self and a bad opinion of God. Man’s good opinion of himself makes him think it quite possible to win God’s favor by his own religious performances; and his bad opinion of God makes him unwilling and afraid to put his case wholly into His hands. The object of the Holy Spirit’s work (in convincing of sin) is to alter the sinner’s opinion of himself, and so to reduce his estimate of his own character that he shall think of himself as God does, and so cease to suppose it possible that he can be justified by an excellency of his own. The Spirit then alters his evil opinion of God, so as to make him see that the God with whom he has to do is really the God of all grace.

But the inquirer denies that he has a good opinion of himself and owns himself a sinner. Now a man may SAY this, but really to KNOW it is something more than SAYING. Besides, he may be willing to take the name of sinner to himself, in common with his fellow-men, and yet not at all own himself such a sinner as God says he is—such a sinner as needs the cross, and blood, and righteousness of the Son of God. It takes a great deal to destroy a man’s good opinion of himself; how difficult it is to make a man think of himself as God does! What but the almightiness of the Divine Spirit can accomplish this?

Unbelief, then, is the belief of a lie and the rejection of the truth. Accept, then, the character of God as given in the gospel; the Holy Spirit will not give you peace irrespective of your views of God’s character. It is in connection with THE TRUTH concerning the true God, “the God of all grace,” that the Spirit gives peace. That which He shows us of ourselves is only evil; that which He shows us of God is only good!

Jesus loves the little children

Race symposium in Greenville. We attended sort of by invitation. It was a meeting of community, mostly leaders. Small towns offer this very unique experience in that you can be in the same room with the mayor and city councilmen and nobody bats an eye. You don't have to be in a select group to be a part of an event where they are. I like that.
The discussion obviously was "race" or more importantly "racism". Discussion included what is the definition of, is it systemic, personal, is it better or worse today than say 50 years ago. It was good. A good start as one of the women stated. Greenville is not the only place where discussions like these take place I am sure but since we are here I am impressed that this small town is seeking to look different from their past. There is at least a look of sensitivity to a problem no matter how open or hidden, that needs to fixed. I believe there is racism but I also believe the bible is the infallible Word of G-d and therefore since race is NOT mentioned in the bible, the point is moot(my belief). We live in this world though, so I understand why people feel the need to talk about this subject in the terms they do.
I came away thinking about one thing in particular. While I often think of "racism" in terms of "black" folks I realize that I often don't consider some people groups that may be dealing with this issue. I especially don't think about say some one of Asian descent because I have my own prejudices about them being educated and finding community among there own. Then a funny thing happened. I was reading a Facebook post where some fellow homeschoolers were talking about a group of people in "our community". We will call them for "racism" sake the "skirtsonlies". There was a flippant joke made about the women that walk around in their homeschool mom uniform. As the jokes poured in about the long french braid down the back and the tennis shoes and the denim jumpers it dawned on me we as believers have not arrived! While I pray that no evil intent was meant and that it was "all in fun" what I do know is the conversations I have had with other homeschoolers who assume I am one of "them" and feel comfortable to talk to me about their opinion of the "skirtsonlies". While I will not succumb to a title of any kind I would probably put myself more on "their"(the skirtsonlies) side, I thought it extremely insensitive for the discussion to be happening so much in the open because there is a large homeschool group in our small town and anyone could have read that.
I guess I say this all to say although "racism" in many forms is much better than it was, we as sinful human beings will always struggle to see people through the lens of WHO they belong to. All of us belong to one loving, gracious, and merciful Father. Your skin color, your culture, your hair type, your height, where you live, what you do, how much education you have, should not be a badge of dishonor. If I have convictions that you don't I shouldn't have to feel bad about what I believe my Father is saying to ME. Instead we should be able to walk with our heads held high knowing that the Father has created me like me and you like you. I wear skirts alot now; my persoanl conviction. Those "skirtsonlies" are my people and as much as the people who have piercing and spikey hair. If you are His you are mine!

All are Welcome

When I was growing up I remember Poltergeist being one of my favorite movies ever. I was so intrigued by the whole concept of a little girl being lost in a television. Of course looking back totally inappropriate watching for a little girl but some of the lines of the movie still are stuck in my brain. One line that sticks with me is "all are welcome". I don't know why that line sticks with me but when I hear it is always in a different context from the movie. We have now moved a total of too many times for my liking. We moved to Texas just about two years ago. I never moved as a child so it has definitely been a new experience for me. I think mostly what has impacted me is that sense of belonging that is difficult to find when you are coming to a new place. We have met what seems like a million people here in our part of Texas. Small towns are good for that. It is easy to spring up a conversation with anyone. Most people say good morning or hello when they pass you by but when it is all said and done those little conversations don't translate into very much more than just that a little conversation.
Like when you are working on a puzzle and you have a piece that almost fits but in the end it is not the right one and you have to start your search all over again. Peoples arms are open and you think "Yes this is it" and then you realize it just isn't it. My husband and I are both pretty personable people so we are extremely fond of relationships but he has even asked about where do we really fit? I think because we are the ones moving "in" to the neighborhood we see the work that it takes to not just open your arms but your heart. To make people feel included and a part of activities and basically your life is a commitment that takes time and effort. What we see is that sometimes we work at it but it is not reciprocated because we misunderstood good ole' southern hospitality for someone desiring "relationship" with us. We have met some wonderful people and we have had some instances of people opening their hearts and we are most thankful for them but they are not as often or common as we would have hoped. Sad to report also that church and christians are not really doing a great job either. In the town where we spend most of our time there are churches literally everwhere. Yet people stick to what they know and are extremely closed off from newcomers.
I am thankful it has reminded me that there are lonely, abandoned, do I dare say orphaned people out there looking for someone to welcome them into their lives, someone that will welcome them into the family. It also amazes me that so many people from other countries experience the same sense of loneliness, when they come to this country, that we have experienced because we just don't do things the way they do. Family is such a huge part of their lives and their homes are always open. I think going home to our native Chicago helped us see some of what was missing here. So we are praying that what the Father is letting us experience will make us sensitive to love and care for people who are feeling lost in this big overpopulated world where there should not be one lonely heart. We are praying we don't have to move again but if it be His will we will move with a heart of all are welcome because we want the Father to welcome us.