Nothing for my journey

I have been so worried about trying to keep this blog on some respectable and conservative level but my life is not always that. There are things that concern me that some may consider trivial. Some things may seem controversial or sometimes I may seem a little strange. I don't want to be "free in a closet" here. (Thanks Nicole) So I have to let go of some of my worries in order for me to be happy with the results of this place where I share and pray that my honesty will do what it has always done. FREE ME! John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!Rev 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony and they loved not their lives until death. Possibly this process may help others be a little more free as well

I made a comment to a friend the other day: "When we drove out of Chicago G-d was laughing because of what was in store for us". I have this visual of my heavenly Father giggling and shaking his head at the joy of what we were in for and how unaware (ignorant) we were of the adventure that we were beginning. I am happy to say I have never had a dull moment since I met the L-rd. I am also happy to say that he has given me such wonderful perspective to see things in ways that make me so thankful for whatever the adventure looks like at the moment. I don't always do it immediately but it doesn't take long before my attitude adjust and I am riding the wave instead of struggling against it. I would like to say that it is spiritual maturity but you might need to ask those around me because I could be a beast and be in total denial. OK so what is the point? The point is this blog is a part of the journey that will help me to keep tabs on other parts of my journey. Right now I see my life as being very close to two of those really big drops on the monstrous roller coasters that are in the top 10 of all roller coasters.

The first drop is ADOPTION! G-d has been quietly screaming at us about adoption for about 1 year. Don't get me wrong we are not being disobedient we just wanted to make sure it was Him and not us doing this leading. I will get into more details about the beauty that is adoption later but the more I pray, the more people are put in my path, the more I see myself as this beautifully adopted daughter of the Most High. That leads me strangely (I already covered the strange issue) to the second drop which is growing the straightener out of my hair. Because I am adopted(Romans 8:15b but you have received the Spirit of adoption)I have many sisters and brothers who may or may not look like me and that has given me the desire to make sure that the way I look is exactly the way my Father intended. In looking like the beautiful unique person He made when I am surrounded by my family the complete tapestry is so much more intricately gorgeous. G-d did not come to save all vanilla people or caramel people or chocolate people or any flavor in between. (I hate white and black and so you will not hear me use those terms here.) He came to SAVE to the utmost.
I also am constantly telling my children especially my girls how beautiful they are from the crowns of their heads to the bottom of their feet so if I am trying to alter my appearance what am I really "saying" to them about what I really think of how they look. I talk about resonating thematically and in my mind being genuine and truthful about who G-d created Angela to be, inside and out, is one of the best ways I can honor my Father because "G-d don't make no junk!" We are fearfully and wonderfully made and we are all so beautiful to Him and if we love Him we will revel in the lovely children who are our family. So with butterflies in my stomach as we make this climb I peer over the side of the car looking excited and a little frightened at how high we are up off the ground and anticipating what I know is coming. I look a little nervous but I know the way down will be THRILLING and OH SO WORTH IT!

The Drummer

One thing I find so interesting about G-d is how He gives vision... if you are seeking his will. Sometimes that vision doesn't really add up in your manner of thinking but you continue to press because you can just "feel" it is Him and not you. So when, after moving from Chicago, we started meeting people and having relationships with people and visiting peoples' homes we were a little baffled as to why we were being drawn to certain families that seemed so very different from us and what we had always known. One of the very first of these was a family where the dad was going to be leaving his job in just a few months to head up the family farm business and there were 11 people, 9 of them children, living under one roof. After a wonderful dinner with this family my husband and I felt for sure there was "a change a coming".
My husband and I both grew up on the busy city streets of Chicago. I had grown up being satiated by the excitement of the city. That only grew as I got older. There never had to be a dull, quiet moment in the city. I had travelled quite a bit as a child and went away to college so I had seen some places and really often thought it would be wonderful to live in another "city". After my husband joined the military, we knew we most certainly wouldn't stay in Chicago but really had no indication that coming back would not be part of our long term plans. What else was part of OUR plans? Me working outside the home had quickly been thrown out with the trash. I think that was one of those things G-d let us think was our idea until I tried to go back to work later and we found out who had really been the author of that decision. He really does have a sense of humor. We had wanted children. We had 4; a big family by today's standards. But were today's standards G-d's standards? The next matter to arise was educating our children at home. What does that mean? What about socialization??(side joke for all other parents of unsocialized homeschoolers)Is that legal??? I know now that it is because we do educate our children at home but at the time I had only heard of one person even mention it. The list does not stop there but those are some of the majors. Fast forward a few years Jonathan's job moves us to Texas. We had no doubt in our minds that we wanted to have a home in the country and try raising? chickens, maybe. And so here we are in the first phase of that process. We have our home in the country with a little bit of land and as we start our research on planting for the spring and getting some laying hens it makes me think honestly who are these people? What is really going on here? As I watched my children come out of the house the other day with their homemade flags and weapons they had made (they were doing a reenactment of the fighting that went on between Spain and France over Florida in the 16th century)I realized that G-d was accomplishing His work in our lives and in theirs. They have totally embraced this life that "we" are chiseling out for them and are very content. Romans 12:2 NLT "Don't copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let G-d transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Had you asked me 10 years ago what I thought my life would look like I am not sure what I would have answered. I know the life that I have would not have been my answer. We are different. You could say we march to the beat of a different drummer. The bible says KJV Pater 2:19 "But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people that ye should shew forth the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." We have been called out. For us we were called out of the city first and after that we continued to be called to be different. Different from the world around us, the "world" we grew up in, the "world" where we were comfortable because we look just like everyone else. There are times when I struggle and think it would be so much easier to "fit" in. But I know in the end it wasn't me who came up with this vision for my life. My Father who art in Heaven thought enough to plan this life out because he wanted me to have the desires of my heart; desires that He gave to me before I even knew them for myself. He was changing our thinking and putting people in front of us so we could see what was possible for us. I desired a loving husband, a peaceful home full of laughter, and happy children to take care of and to pour myself into. I don't know what is next there are things that I desire to see in my life and home, but I know that in the end I "shall be like Him". There will always be distractions and noise so I continue to turn my ears to listen because I will only march to His rhythm. How about you? All G-d's children Step in Time!

Hot Water Cornbread

The other night as I was making dinner, I remembered that I had intended to have cornbread but it was now a little late to start because dinnertime was fast approaching and the natives were growing restless. For some years I had been remembering my mama making hotwater cornbread and really wanted to know how to make it myself. I knew it was simple; only a couple of ingredients but I couldn't remember exactly what those were and sometimes other recipes were popping in my mind and it was getting all muddled. On tonight I did what I sometimes do when I can't remember a recipe in detail I went to the computer to see if something would jar my memory. Well I simply typed in "hot water corn bread" and to my delight up popped a page of recipes. Now I know the computer is this tool that has become the cornerstone of communication and information in our age but sometimes I still get a little amazed at just how easy it is to find the answers to totally obscure questions in zero seconds. What started creeping into my mind as I stood at the stove beaming as the hotwater cornbread was sizzling was the computer can be completely oxymoronic at times. The common phrase "how could something so good be so bad" also came to my rememberance and all the funny illustrations that had been used to prove some examples of this question. I use the computer for recipes and email and it is a huge part of our homeschool day but this very same instrument has been the tool by which children were lured into dangerous scenarios and husbands and wives found the means to stray, and many people have been duped into giving too much information leaving them vulnerable and sometimes penniless because they seem totally willing to give up so much to this screen with nobody attached. So I pose the ponder: what is something we don't ever have to measure out or limit our time because it is never too much of a good thing and it doesn't seduce us with good things and flip the script leaving us damaged?

Sitting outside my mom's kitchen some years ago I remember the first time she made this very simple and quick dish of hot water corn bread for me and I couldn't get enough. There were weeks when it seemed I would ask for it everyday. Most of us know that anything that appeals to our appetites most likely needs moderating. The computer is no different. I admit to having days when it feels like without the computer my life would be lost. Now we do use it for school. My children have about 70% of their books online for school. Our homeschool group communicates through email and facebook. But there are days I am not on the computer to gather necessary information but to just zone out from a stressful and hectic day. At those moment the computer becomes a divisive tool pulling me away from the family that I love and serve. It is so easy for me to look for music for my ipod for my run tomorrow, recipes for meals or searching for that homeschool book that I need because it leaves me in a bubble with an excused "mommy is busy" answer to my children. Nothing wrong with doing any of these things except at times I use this wonderful tool to run away and escape. James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no fickleness neither shadow of turning. So is the computer bad? no not necessarily but it appeals to our selfness and allows us to feel connected yet disonnects us all at the same time. Fickled. The gifts that come from G-d we don't ever have to decipher how much we need, how to use them for good and or how to keep them balanced. Besides Christ himself, the very best gift that He gave, if we sought after it "like hidden treasures" we would have so much less time to sit at the computer, eat too much, watch too much television, exercise too much or work too much. It truly is amazing how compulsive we can become about all sorts of things. G-d's Word doesn't appeal to our senses but it does grow our spirits so although the desire may not be there to begin with you will find the more you read it the more you want to read it. The hard step is stepping away from everything else to make this your choice for your appetite even when you feel hungry for something else. That something else might give you indigestion but "Give us this day our daily bread"....and we might find that we have been starving for something that is too good!

No Crucifixion......?

So after months of pondering "should I really start blogging?", wondering was there some hidden motive behind my desire or if this was just some silly whim that had been placed into my head because of the excess of bloggees these days (like maybe I caught a cold) I have come to the decision that I would, indeed, go forward in this endeavor. One of the biggest obstacles that I faced was when to start. Let me tell you a little about myself. Using my friend's words: I see poetically. More simply put I am always writing. Sometimes I actually stop to put something on paper but there are most days when I just wonder how long it would take me to get it all down and it is way too overwhelming. A little more about me I am also thoughtful. I don't mean the kind that is thinking of other people's needs(which I do but that doesn't apply here). I am more brooding, that is deep in thought about life whether it be people, family, G-d, or anything else that may come up. Well, why after brooding did I come up with this particular day to start? Shouldn't it be some monumental moment in time? A triumphant success or joyous occasion should certainly mark "the beginning" of my blogging days.
Some people who know me understand that this would seem like the worst possible time to start. I have over the past few months been absolutely bombarded with trials. I cannot even begin to tell you all of them, because it is a lot and it would ruin posts of future topics, but there are many. Yesterday as an update on one such trial was reported to me it felt like the proverbial straw. My little girls playing all around me, I left them to go to the bathroom and cry and get down on my knees and talk to the G-d, who at that moment I was convinced had left me, to handle all this messiness alone. The pain that overcame me I cannot even begin to describe and as I literally cried like a baby because it hurt so bad the pain didn't go away. I walked out of the bathroom puffy eyed and got ready to leave to go do my motherly tasks. There are times when the G-d of the universe seems to step off His throne and come down and talk to me. Sitting at my computer something happened. Driving down the highway something happened. Many years ago before I was born something happened. The Cross. The Cross. The Cross. Phillipians 3:10 says that I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made comformable unto his death and 1 Peter 4:13 says But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. I started to look at my life from some odd perspective that was or at least appeared outside myself. My life, began at the moment where a man walked to his death carrying a cross that he would eventually be nailed to, raised high into the air and give up his life. The man who is my Savior endured pain that, even in these most difficult trials that I am facing, I have not known. The cross is not pretty or pleasant and neither is my life right now. I feel bloodied and bruised. I am tired and sweaty and exhausted. There are times, right now, where I feel like I can barely crawl let alone run this race. But the race is not given to the swift or to the strong. I think over the passages where I have read the account of my Savior on that day when he would give the ultimate sacrifice for us. He was bruised and beaten. He was exhausted and sweaty. He was thirsty and was being taunted and teased the whole long road before he actually made it to the destination and then he was nailed on a tree. But I understand something about that death: true life starts at the moment when you are truly able to grasp the concept of the Cross. The same way the crucifixion really means life for us is the same way I desire my suffering to stand for something more than the pain.
So I take this opportunity to start this journey of blogging. There are no hidden motives and no I didn't "catch" a blog. I believe the cross is as monumental and joyous an occasion as we can have. To any who would stop by I pray that you would see a beautiful story of Love, Life and Light. My life is what it is because of who my Savior is no more and definitely nothing less!

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the first pastor I ever had and the seeds he planted in my life. He went to be with the L-rd today. I will forever be grateful for your heart for me and all those who sat under your teaching.