Oh! How Sweetly He Delivers!!

During the winter months most of my mornings are spent in a little sunny spot on my sofa with my bible or devotional and journal and me and Him. I pray for whatever is pending or listed in my mind or on our prayer wall. I have been praying for a friend's friend who I don't know very well at all but he has been in the hospital with some pretty serious health issues. I pray for a miracle. I pray for healing and deliverance and peace and comfort but I have been thinking alot lately about what all that equates to looking like on this side of eternity.
Death is inevitable after all, for all of us. We must all shed these temporary dwellings that we call bodies. With that thought comes an uncertainty and I sometimes find myself not knowing how to pray. As someone who believes my Father loves us with more love than our minds can even begin to understand, a miracle can be death. Now I know that it is ok to ask my Father for what I want in a situation and to not be anxious about anything, but looking back over stories in my present life and also those believers who have left us such wonderful examples of praying for the desire they felt at the present moment but knowing that G-d has the ultimate and final say, I wonder if we may have something a little the matter with our thinking. The Hebrew boys facing death in a furnace said that their G-d was able to deliver but if He didn't.... (you should know the rest). Now the three of those boys coming out of the furnace unharmed is most definitely a miracle but if those boys had died in that furnace, I think in many of our minds we don't see that as HIS deliverance. I know for a long time I didn't. If G-d delivers isn't it supposed to be a favorably joyful outcome? Shouldn't we all have our lives back in order just the way it "should" be. And tomorrow when I wake up all is "right" with the world and I can go back to my wonderful life being free from sickness and sadness and whatever other heavy things tend to get in the way of this paradise. But that is just it isn't it? THIS isn't paradise! That will come only after the sickness and death and prayers for miracles that do not have outcomes that sometimes make us forget what is really going on here. There is a pastor that I know that calls it over realized eschatology. I think many of us suffer from a case of it. Believing that we will live this paradise of a life here and then go on to another height of pleasure and enjoyment "there". My prayer for my friend's friend is that he would be delivered and healed. My prayer for my niece is the same. My prayers for many others is the same... I WANT a miracle for them to be around for alot longer, to live strong healthy lives. But I have to trust that just like G-d could have delivered the Hebrew boys into His own hand and took them home to be with Him that could be and is the result for many. We have to trust that when and only when G-d says so will someone be made well or delivered into His hands. The common cliche of "a better place" is a reality not just a catch phrase. Prayer is the communication that we are given to talk to the Father but mostly to remember that He is constant through each and every miracle no matter what it looks like to us and He is the ONE that can make them happen. To live IS Christ to die is GAIN! It really doesn't get any sweeter than that.

Beautiful Sorrow

A friend of mine lost her mom yesterday. I got the phone call and fell apart immediately. I wasn't extremely close to her mother but I loved her as many of us did. I spent much of my night, before drifting off to sleep finally, praying for my friend. As I prayed what happened was painful but needed. Sometimes in situations I don't know what to pray. I feel like I am just babbling words that don't quite fit the situation or I can't quite express what my feelings really are and they cannot be articulated sufficiently into a prayer. What happened as I lay in the darkness was the L-rd brought back so many emotions of what I felt the night my own mother died. I was transported back to the house, the smells, each person that sat in my room with me, how I couldn't go into a dark room for months afterward, how I felt the peace of G-d so strongly sometimes and then so desperately alone at others. The fear, the sadness, the uncertainty and so many other emotions all at one time that would wash over me. That day has shifted the way I look at EVERYTHING. So I prayed specifically for those issues for my friend. I realize we don't suffer because G-d is this scary monster up in the sky who seeks to cause us pain. We suffer for reasons so outside of ourselves. I feel today I have lost my mother again but it is because I need to pray for my friend and, for what the road looks like ahead. I am thankful that I am not babbling today but, because I really have been where she is today, I can intercede on her behalf. I can also pray that the same peace and love that was mine will be hers. I can pray that her heart would be held by the one who made it; that He will rock her in the middle of the night when her heart cries out for the mother that is not in this life anymore. I can pray that in a few months when others are not as attentive she will not feel alone. I can pray that the joy of memories will carry her on the hard days. I can pray that she would not be afraid or embarrassed to cry when it feels like she should be alright. I am thankful for the exchange of beauty for my ashes, gladness for mourning and peace for despair. When I am able to go to my Father, on behalf of my sister, and cry for her and tell Him to help her not hurt, and to take care of her just like He did me, it is evident my suffering is not in vain.

Why do we think so much of ourselves?

Sometimes what you want to say has already been said. And it has been said so much better than you probably ever could. I know when to just let someone else do the talking.


The following quote comes from the pen of Horatius Bonar (1808 - 1889), the great Scottish preacher, poet, author and hymn writer (and probably other stuff too). It talks about the true nature of belief in God. *****

In all unbelief there are these two things—a good opinion of one’s self and a bad opinion of God. Man’s good opinion of himself makes him think it quite possible to win God’s favor by his own religious performances; and his bad opinion of God makes him unwilling and afraid to put his case wholly into His hands. The object of the Holy Spirit’s work (in convincing of sin) is to alter the sinner’s opinion of himself, and so to reduce his estimate of his own character that he shall think of himself as God does, and so cease to suppose it possible that he can be justified by an excellency of his own. The Spirit then alters his evil opinion of God, so as to make him see that the God with whom he has to do is really the God of all grace.

But the inquirer denies that he has a good opinion of himself and owns himself a sinner. Now a man may SAY this, but really to KNOW it is something more than SAYING. Besides, he may be willing to take the name of sinner to himself, in common with his fellow-men, and yet not at all own himself such a sinner as God says he is—such a sinner as needs the cross, and blood, and righteousness of the Son of God. It takes a great deal to destroy a man’s good opinion of himself; how difficult it is to make a man think of himself as God does! What but the almightiness of the Divine Spirit can accomplish this?

Unbelief, then, is the belief of a lie and the rejection of the truth. Accept, then, the character of God as given in the gospel; the Holy Spirit will not give you peace irrespective of your views of God’s character. It is in connection with THE TRUTH concerning the true God, “the God of all grace,” that the Spirit gives peace. That which He shows us of ourselves is only evil; that which He shows us of God is only good!

Jesus loves the little children

Race symposium in Greenville. We attended sort of by invitation. It was a meeting of community, mostly leaders. Small towns offer this very unique experience in that you can be in the same room with the mayor and city councilmen and nobody bats an eye. You don't have to be in a select group to be a part of an event where they are. I like that.
The discussion obviously was "race" or more importantly "racism". Discussion included what is the definition of, is it systemic, personal, is it better or worse today than say 50 years ago. It was good. A good start as one of the women stated. Greenville is not the only place where discussions like these take place I am sure but since we are here I am impressed that this small town is seeking to look different from their past. There is at least a look of sensitivity to a problem no matter how open or hidden, that needs to fixed. I believe there is racism but I also believe the bible is the infallible Word of G-d and therefore since race is NOT mentioned in the bible, the point is moot(my belief). We live in this world though, so I understand why people feel the need to talk about this subject in the terms they do.
I came away thinking about one thing in particular. While I often think of "racism" in terms of "black" folks I realize that I often don't consider some people groups that may be dealing with this issue. I especially don't think about say some one of Asian descent because I have my own prejudices about them being educated and finding community among there own. Then a funny thing happened. I was reading a Facebook post where some fellow homeschoolers were talking about a group of people in "our community". We will call them for "racism" sake the "skirtsonlies". There was a flippant joke made about the women that walk around in their homeschool mom uniform. As the jokes poured in about the long french braid down the back and the tennis shoes and the denim jumpers it dawned on me we as believers have not arrived! While I pray that no evil intent was meant and that it was "all in fun" what I do know is the conversations I have had with other homeschoolers who assume I am one of "them" and feel comfortable to talk to me about their opinion of the "skirtsonlies". While I will not succumb to a title of any kind I would probably put myself more on "their"(the skirtsonlies) side, I thought it extremely insensitive for the discussion to be happening so much in the open because there is a large homeschool group in our small town and anyone could have read that.
I guess I say this all to say although "racism" in many forms is much better than it was, we as sinful human beings will always struggle to see people through the lens of WHO they belong to. All of us belong to one loving, gracious, and merciful Father. Your skin color, your culture, your hair type, your height, where you live, what you do, how much education you have, should not be a badge of dishonor. If I have convictions that you don't I shouldn't have to feel bad about what I believe my Father is saying to ME. Instead we should be able to walk with our heads held high knowing that the Father has created me like me and you like you. I wear skirts alot now; my persoanl conviction. Those "skirtsonlies" are my people and as much as the people who have piercing and spikey hair. If you are His you are mine!

All are Welcome

When I was growing up I remember Poltergeist being one of my favorite movies ever. I was so intrigued by the whole concept of a little girl being lost in a television. Of course looking back totally inappropriate watching for a little girl but some of the lines of the movie still are stuck in my brain. One line that sticks with me is "all are welcome". I don't know why that line sticks with me but when I hear it is always in a different context from the movie. We have now moved a total of too many times for my liking. We moved to Texas just about two years ago. I never moved as a child so it has definitely been a new experience for me. I think mostly what has impacted me is that sense of belonging that is difficult to find when you are coming to a new place. We have met what seems like a million people here in our part of Texas. Small towns are good for that. It is easy to spring up a conversation with anyone. Most people say good morning or hello when they pass you by but when it is all said and done those little conversations don't translate into very much more than just that a little conversation.
Like when you are working on a puzzle and you have a piece that almost fits but in the end it is not the right one and you have to start your search all over again. Peoples arms are open and you think "Yes this is it" and then you realize it just isn't it. My husband and I are both pretty personable people so we are extremely fond of relationships but he has even asked about where do we really fit? I think because we are the ones moving "in" to the neighborhood we see the work that it takes to not just open your arms but your heart. To make people feel included and a part of activities and basically your life is a commitment that takes time and effort. What we see is that sometimes we work at it but it is not reciprocated because we misunderstood good ole' southern hospitality for someone desiring "relationship" with us. We have met some wonderful people and we have had some instances of people opening their hearts and we are most thankful for them but they are not as often or common as we would have hoped. Sad to report also that church and christians are not really doing a great job either. In the town where we spend most of our time there are churches literally everwhere. Yet people stick to what they know and are extremely closed off from newcomers.
I am thankful it has reminded me that there are lonely, abandoned, do I dare say orphaned people out there looking for someone to welcome them into their lives, someone that will welcome them into the family. It also amazes me that so many people from other countries experience the same sense of loneliness, when they come to this country, that we have experienced because we just don't do things the way they do. Family is such a huge part of their lives and their homes are always open. I think going home to our native Chicago helped us see some of what was missing here. So we are praying that what the Father is letting us experience will make us sensitive to love and care for people who are feeling lost in this big overpopulated world where there should not be one lonely heart. We are praying we don't have to move again but if it be His will we will move with a heart of all are welcome because we want the Father to welcome us.

Treasures Stored

We homeschool. Yes I said it. We are one of those families who have decided to take Deuteronomy 6:4-9 literally and make sure our children sit at home so we can teach them. We have been doing this type of education for almost 6 years. My son was the first in the experiment (oops!) I mean process and he will be 12 years old in just a few months. We have learned much about what we believe about education, what we thought we believed about education, our values, and so many other things that oft times it feels more like we are the ones being educated and the children are just along for the ride. When we first started we felt very strongly about discipleship being the focus of why we had chosen this path; that is really what is being described in Deut 6:4-9. We were not supposed to have this hands-off approach but to get in there and get dirty. As much as we thought that was the focus I think in the beginning we were very much bound by our own educational experiences. Me, especially, who had been at some of "the best schools" wanted to see my children excel academically. Then the years go by and each year I feel my patient Father turning my focus a little bit more towards Him in our home and how we are doing this whole "school" thing. So yesterday when we sat down for devotion which changes appearance sometimes from day to day or it looks different when Daddy is home I decided to do something. Last week during bible study with Daddy my daughter Chloe who has had the most difficult time reading saw the other children given passages to read and asked if she could have one also. My husband and I gave that "oh boy" glance to each other but very quickly he found a passage for her that was to be a part of the study that night.She did wonderfully. I even marked that passage in my bible so I would never forget that was the first bible passage my little Chloe read. My devotion yesterday morning was from 1 John and I decided we would read from that book but it would be the younger two reading instead of the older. So I sit here with tears in my eyes at the memory of my two younger daughters 7 and 5 who read 1 John chapter 1 to us yesterday! It took a little longer than had 1 of the older ones done the same reading or myself but it was the most beautiful chapter reading I have heard in a long time. My keeping my children at home doesn't always seem to come with big rewards. There is a lot of plodding. There is a lot of routine stuff and because I am with my children all the time I don't always step back to see the progress because I am right there in it with them. And much times the L-rd is growing me as He is growing them. I have different goals now for my little ones. Don't get me wrong we still study Latin and History, Math and Literature but there is nothing more important in my mind than that they are becoming servants of the Lover of their soul. And they can read all about it; all by themselves.

Remembering to Forget

Altzheimers has claimed two of my favorite men in the world: my grandfather who died a few years ago and now my dad. Let me say that it really puts things on your mind when you watch others get lost in the years that have passed and not be able to grasp what is happening currently.How does your mind choose to let some memories go and grip some others? How does that feel to look at something and suddenly not recognize it. I praise G-d that my grandfather never forgot me and my father seems to be holding on to me in his memory as well. Both my grandfather and father were very difficult men. And as much as I loved and adored them both, one thing that I remember about their personalities was how unforgiving they were when others had wronged them. So ironically one thing that I have enjoyed about my dad is that if he gets angry with me, about anything, all I have to do is wait a few minutes and it's gone!Now don't get me wrong I hate what my father is going through but what a blessing that has been to me in our relationship over the last few years knowing that I would always have a clean slate with him the next time we talked. So here is where I show you how I think. I pray you can follow the chain as it relates to remembering and forgetting. It appears like one of those balls of yarn that you think you can never untangle.

One major component of school is remembering, which I don't remember being good or bad at just knew I had to do it. Then I got to high school and remembering became increasingly harder. After all these years, what I remember most about being in school were the social interactions which in my case were not pleasant most of the time. I was not very welcomed as a classmate. I was a little socially awkward and I still remember the feeling of rejections all through school. I remember lots of bad days not many good ones and I know there had to be some but no matter how hard I try to remember those memories are just not there. I wonder if the social situations were taking up so much of my mind that I could not remember the things I was supposed to: the academics, the reason I was in school in the first place. What I remember even more than the situations are the people who were behind some of the hurtful situations. Why are certain things stained in our brains?

When we discipline our children it is a very deliberate process because we want them to understand the concept of sin. We also want them to understand their relationship to G-d and how that would look "on paper" if we were to draw out a diagram showing Him, us, sin, and them. Most importantly, after we have made it clear about the sin they have commited against the L-rd, is what comes next. FORGIVENESS. With forgiveness for us comes forgetting and once we leave that room we try and make it clear we are moving on. My husband is also an extremely forgiving man who properly loves us by "keeping no records of wrongs". Oddly enough I, like many wives I know, usually end up fussing at my husband about something that he has forgotten that I know I told him. What is also strange is that my husband has this amazing memory and can drag out from the caverns of his mind some of the most eclectic information.What does that say about him or me or us? Does forgiveness always mean forgetting? I ponder this all the time and try to see in my own life how this appears to be working. With what I can gather, from my own personal research(sounds very official huh?) is forgiveness most certainly means forgetting. Psalms 103:12 "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our trangressions from us" gives us the picture of forgiveness and how merciful He is to us who don't deserve mercy. Hebrews 8:12 takes it a step further "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more". So when I come to my father now with a clean slate before us no wonder it is such a freeing experience to me because he is more like my heavenly Father when he is not remembering how I may have messed up yesterday. It also gives me a picture of how my heavenly Father sees me. When I confess my sins to Him he doesn't hold it over my head and bring it up at times when I am most vulnerable. He puts those things far away from himself. I have been totally blessed by my ability to forgive my children and some of those who I feel have wronged me in some major way. I have experienced such wonderful joy after having forgiven something that once felt unforgiveable. Being able to not remember by choice feels like much more of a blessing than having memories taken from me. For those events in my life that seem too unforgettable why are they? And why can't I remember those things that I truly want to remember. Why are there some things that I can't "just get over it"?

We can't just think that because we say we forgive we have done so. We must remember to forget. When I have not forgiven I remember minute details that most likely no other normal person would remember about the exact same event. It breaks my heart to say that I have not arrived when it comes to forgiveness and forgetfulness:one of those flaws in my character that continues to thwart my progress as a believer. The L-rd is gracious to me giving me gentle reminders as I seek to be more like him in this area but always and every time I don't succeed my heavenly Father always remembers to forgive and forget.