Why do we think so much of ourselves?

Sometimes what you want to say has already been said. And it has been said so much better than you probably ever could. I know when to just let someone else do the talking.


The following quote comes from the pen of Horatius Bonar (1808 - 1889), the great Scottish preacher, poet, author and hymn writer (and probably other stuff too). It talks about the true nature of belief in God. *****

In all unbelief there are these two things—a good opinion of one’s self and a bad opinion of God. Man’s good opinion of himself makes him think it quite possible to win God’s favor by his own religious performances; and his bad opinion of God makes him unwilling and afraid to put his case wholly into His hands. The object of the Holy Spirit’s work (in convincing of sin) is to alter the sinner’s opinion of himself, and so to reduce his estimate of his own character that he shall think of himself as God does, and so cease to suppose it possible that he can be justified by an excellency of his own. The Spirit then alters his evil opinion of God, so as to make him see that the God with whom he has to do is really the God of all grace.

But the inquirer denies that he has a good opinion of himself and owns himself a sinner. Now a man may SAY this, but really to KNOW it is something more than SAYING. Besides, he may be willing to take the name of sinner to himself, in common with his fellow-men, and yet not at all own himself such a sinner as God says he is—such a sinner as needs the cross, and blood, and righteousness of the Son of God. It takes a great deal to destroy a man’s good opinion of himself; how difficult it is to make a man think of himself as God does! What but the almightiness of the Divine Spirit can accomplish this?

Unbelief, then, is the belief of a lie and the rejection of the truth. Accept, then, the character of God as given in the gospel; the Holy Spirit will not give you peace irrespective of your views of God’s character. It is in connection with THE TRUTH concerning the true God, “the God of all grace,” that the Spirit gives peace. That which He shows us of ourselves is only evil; that which He shows us of God is only good!

Jesus loves the little children

Race symposium in Greenville. We attended sort of by invitation. It was a meeting of community, mostly leaders. Small towns offer this very unique experience in that you can be in the same room with the mayor and city councilmen and nobody bats an eye. You don't have to be in a select group to be a part of an event where they are. I like that.
The discussion obviously was "race" or more importantly "racism". Discussion included what is the definition of, is it systemic, personal, is it better or worse today than say 50 years ago. It was good. A good start as one of the women stated. Greenville is not the only place where discussions like these take place I am sure but since we are here I am impressed that this small town is seeking to look different from their past. There is at least a look of sensitivity to a problem no matter how open or hidden, that needs to fixed. I believe there is racism but I also believe the bible is the infallible Word of G-d and therefore since race is NOT mentioned in the bible, the point is moot(my belief). We live in this world though, so I understand why people feel the need to talk about this subject in the terms they do.
I came away thinking about one thing in particular. While I often think of "racism" in terms of "black" folks I realize that I often don't consider some people groups that may be dealing with this issue. I especially don't think about say some one of Asian descent because I have my own prejudices about them being educated and finding community among there own. Then a funny thing happened. I was reading a Facebook post where some fellow homeschoolers were talking about a group of people in "our community". We will call them for "racism" sake the "skirtsonlies". There was a flippant joke made about the women that walk around in their homeschool mom uniform. As the jokes poured in about the long french braid down the back and the tennis shoes and the denim jumpers it dawned on me we as believers have not arrived! While I pray that no evil intent was meant and that it was "all in fun" what I do know is the conversations I have had with other homeschoolers who assume I am one of "them" and feel comfortable to talk to me about their opinion of the "skirtsonlies". While I will not succumb to a title of any kind I would probably put myself more on "their"(the skirtsonlies) side, I thought it extremely insensitive for the discussion to be happening so much in the open because there is a large homeschool group in our small town and anyone could have read that.
I guess I say this all to say although "racism" in many forms is much better than it was, we as sinful human beings will always struggle to see people through the lens of WHO they belong to. All of us belong to one loving, gracious, and merciful Father. Your skin color, your culture, your hair type, your height, where you live, what you do, how much education you have, should not be a badge of dishonor. If I have convictions that you don't I shouldn't have to feel bad about what I believe my Father is saying to ME. Instead we should be able to walk with our heads held high knowing that the Father has created me like me and you like you. I wear skirts alot now; my persoanl conviction. Those "skirtsonlies" are my people and as much as the people who have piercing and spikey hair. If you are His you are mine!

All are Welcome

When I was growing up I remember Poltergeist being one of my favorite movies ever. I was so intrigued by the whole concept of a little girl being lost in a television. Of course looking back totally inappropriate watching for a little girl but some of the lines of the movie still are stuck in my brain. One line that sticks with me is "all are welcome". I don't know why that line sticks with me but when I hear it is always in a different context from the movie. We have now moved a total of too many times for my liking. We moved to Texas just about two years ago. I never moved as a child so it has definitely been a new experience for me. I think mostly what has impacted me is that sense of belonging that is difficult to find when you are coming to a new place. We have met what seems like a million people here in our part of Texas. Small towns are good for that. It is easy to spring up a conversation with anyone. Most people say good morning or hello when they pass you by but when it is all said and done those little conversations don't translate into very much more than just that a little conversation.
Like when you are working on a puzzle and you have a piece that almost fits but in the end it is not the right one and you have to start your search all over again. Peoples arms are open and you think "Yes this is it" and then you realize it just isn't it. My husband and I are both pretty personable people so we are extremely fond of relationships but he has even asked about where do we really fit? I think because we are the ones moving "in" to the neighborhood we see the work that it takes to not just open your arms but your heart. To make people feel included and a part of activities and basically your life is a commitment that takes time and effort. What we see is that sometimes we work at it but it is not reciprocated because we misunderstood good ole' southern hospitality for someone desiring "relationship" with us. We have met some wonderful people and we have had some instances of people opening their hearts and we are most thankful for them but they are not as often or common as we would have hoped. Sad to report also that church and christians are not really doing a great job either. In the town where we spend most of our time there are churches literally everwhere. Yet people stick to what they know and are extremely closed off from newcomers.
I am thankful it has reminded me that there are lonely, abandoned, do I dare say orphaned people out there looking for someone to welcome them into their lives, someone that will welcome them into the family. It also amazes me that so many people from other countries experience the same sense of loneliness, when they come to this country, that we have experienced because we just don't do things the way they do. Family is such a huge part of their lives and their homes are always open. I think going home to our native Chicago helped us see some of what was missing here. So we are praying that what the Father is letting us experience will make us sensitive to love and care for people who are feeling lost in this big overpopulated world where there should not be one lonely heart. We are praying we don't have to move again but if it be His will we will move with a heart of all are welcome because we want the Father to welcome us.

Treasures Stored

We homeschool. Yes I said it. We are one of those families who have decided to take Deuteronomy 6:4-9 literally and make sure our children sit at home so we can teach them. We have been doing this type of education for almost 6 years. My son was the first in the experiment (oops!) I mean process and he will be 12 years old in just a few months. We have learned much about what we believe about education, what we thought we believed about education, our values, and so many other things that oft times it feels more like we are the ones being educated and the children are just along for the ride. When we first started we felt very strongly about discipleship being the focus of why we had chosen this path; that is really what is being described in Deut 6:4-9. We were not supposed to have this hands-off approach but to get in there and get dirty. As much as we thought that was the focus I think in the beginning we were very much bound by our own educational experiences. Me, especially, who had been at some of "the best schools" wanted to see my children excel academically. Then the years go by and each year I feel my patient Father turning my focus a little bit more towards Him in our home and how we are doing this whole "school" thing. So yesterday when we sat down for devotion which changes appearance sometimes from day to day or it looks different when Daddy is home I decided to do something. Last week during bible study with Daddy my daughter Chloe who has had the most difficult time reading saw the other children given passages to read and asked if she could have one also. My husband and I gave that "oh boy" glance to each other but very quickly he found a passage for her that was to be a part of the study that night.She did wonderfully. I even marked that passage in my bible so I would never forget that was the first bible passage my little Chloe read. My devotion yesterday morning was from 1 John and I decided we would read from that book but it would be the younger two reading instead of the older. So I sit here with tears in my eyes at the memory of my two younger daughters 7 and 5 who read 1 John chapter 1 to us yesterday! It took a little longer than had 1 of the older ones done the same reading or myself but it was the most beautiful chapter reading I have heard in a long time. My keeping my children at home doesn't always seem to come with big rewards. There is a lot of plodding. There is a lot of routine stuff and because I am with my children all the time I don't always step back to see the progress because I am right there in it with them. And much times the L-rd is growing me as He is growing them. I have different goals now for my little ones. Don't get me wrong we still study Latin and History, Math and Literature but there is nothing more important in my mind than that they are becoming servants of the Lover of their soul. And they can read all about it; all by themselves.

Remembering to Forget

Altzheimers has claimed two of my favorite men in the world: my grandfather who died a few years ago and now my dad. Let me say that it really puts things on your mind when you watch others get lost in the years that have passed and not be able to grasp what is happening currently.How does your mind choose to let some memories go and grip some others? How does that feel to look at something and suddenly not recognize it. I praise G-d that my grandfather never forgot me and my father seems to be holding on to me in his memory as well. Both my grandfather and father were very difficult men. And as much as I loved and adored them both, one thing that I remember about their personalities was how unforgiving they were when others had wronged them. So ironically one thing that I have enjoyed about my dad is that if he gets angry with me, about anything, all I have to do is wait a few minutes and it's gone!Now don't get me wrong I hate what my father is going through but what a blessing that has been to me in our relationship over the last few years knowing that I would always have a clean slate with him the next time we talked. So here is where I show you how I think. I pray you can follow the chain as it relates to remembering and forgetting. It appears like one of those balls of yarn that you think you can never untangle.

One major component of school is remembering, which I don't remember being good or bad at just knew I had to do it. Then I got to high school and remembering became increasingly harder. After all these years, what I remember most about being in school were the social interactions which in my case were not pleasant most of the time. I was not very welcomed as a classmate. I was a little socially awkward and I still remember the feeling of rejections all through school. I remember lots of bad days not many good ones and I know there had to be some but no matter how hard I try to remember those memories are just not there. I wonder if the social situations were taking up so much of my mind that I could not remember the things I was supposed to: the academics, the reason I was in school in the first place. What I remember even more than the situations are the people who were behind some of the hurtful situations. Why are certain things stained in our brains?

When we discipline our children it is a very deliberate process because we want them to understand the concept of sin. We also want them to understand their relationship to G-d and how that would look "on paper" if we were to draw out a diagram showing Him, us, sin, and them. Most importantly, after we have made it clear about the sin they have commited against the L-rd, is what comes next. FORGIVENESS. With forgiveness for us comes forgetting and once we leave that room we try and make it clear we are moving on. My husband is also an extremely forgiving man who properly loves us by "keeping no records of wrongs". Oddly enough I, like many wives I know, usually end up fussing at my husband about something that he has forgotten that I know I told him. What is also strange is that my husband has this amazing memory and can drag out from the caverns of his mind some of the most eclectic information.What does that say about him or me or us? Does forgiveness always mean forgetting? I ponder this all the time and try to see in my own life how this appears to be working. With what I can gather, from my own personal research(sounds very official huh?) is forgiveness most certainly means forgetting. Psalms 103:12 "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our trangressions from us" gives us the picture of forgiveness and how merciful He is to us who don't deserve mercy. Hebrews 8:12 takes it a step further "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more". So when I come to my father now with a clean slate before us no wonder it is such a freeing experience to me because he is more like my heavenly Father when he is not remembering how I may have messed up yesterday. It also gives me a picture of how my heavenly Father sees me. When I confess my sins to Him he doesn't hold it over my head and bring it up at times when I am most vulnerable. He puts those things far away from himself. I have been totally blessed by my ability to forgive my children and some of those who I feel have wronged me in some major way. I have experienced such wonderful joy after having forgiven something that once felt unforgiveable. Being able to not remember by choice feels like much more of a blessing than having memories taken from me. For those events in my life that seem too unforgettable why are they? And why can't I remember those things that I truly want to remember. Why are there some things that I can't "just get over it"?

We can't just think that because we say we forgive we have done so. We must remember to forget. When I have not forgiven I remember minute details that most likely no other normal person would remember about the exact same event. It breaks my heart to say that I have not arrived when it comes to forgiveness and forgetfulness:one of those flaws in my character that continues to thwart my progress as a believer. The L-rd is gracious to me giving me gentle reminders as I seek to be more like him in this area but always and every time I don't succeed my heavenly Father always remembers to forgive and forget.

Nothing for my journey

I have been so worried about trying to keep this blog on some respectable and conservative level but my life is not always that. There are things that concern me that some may consider trivial. Some things may seem controversial or sometimes I may seem a little strange. I don't want to be "free in a closet" here. (Thanks Nicole) So I have to let go of some of my worries in order for me to be happy with the results of this place where I share and pray that my honesty will do what it has always done. FREE ME! John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!Rev 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony and they loved not their lives until death. Possibly this process may help others be a little more free as well

I made a comment to a friend the other day: "When we drove out of Chicago G-d was laughing because of what was in store for us". I have this visual of my heavenly Father giggling and shaking his head at the joy of what we were in for and how unaware (ignorant) we were of the adventure that we were beginning. I am happy to say I have never had a dull moment since I met the L-rd. I am also happy to say that he has given me such wonderful perspective to see things in ways that make me so thankful for whatever the adventure looks like at the moment. I don't always do it immediately but it doesn't take long before my attitude adjust and I am riding the wave instead of struggling against it. I would like to say that it is spiritual maturity but you might need to ask those around me because I could be a beast and be in total denial. OK so what is the point? The point is this blog is a part of the journey that will help me to keep tabs on other parts of my journey. Right now I see my life as being very close to two of those really big drops on the monstrous roller coasters that are in the top 10 of all roller coasters.

The first drop is ADOPTION! G-d has been quietly screaming at us about adoption for about 1 year. Don't get me wrong we are not being disobedient we just wanted to make sure it was Him and not us doing this leading. I will get into more details about the beauty that is adoption later but the more I pray, the more people are put in my path, the more I see myself as this beautifully adopted daughter of the Most High. That leads me strangely (I already covered the strange issue) to the second drop which is growing the straightener out of my hair. Because I am adopted(Romans 8:15b but you have received the Spirit of adoption)I have many sisters and brothers who may or may not look like me and that has given me the desire to make sure that the way I look is exactly the way my Father intended. In looking like the beautiful unique person He made when I am surrounded by my family the complete tapestry is so much more intricately gorgeous. G-d did not come to save all vanilla people or caramel people or chocolate people or any flavor in between. (I hate white and black and so you will not hear me use those terms here.) He came to SAVE to the utmost.
I also am constantly telling my children especially my girls how beautiful they are from the crowns of their heads to the bottom of their feet so if I am trying to alter my appearance what am I really "saying" to them about what I really think of how they look. I talk about resonating thematically and in my mind being genuine and truthful about who G-d created Angela to be, inside and out, is one of the best ways I can honor my Father because "G-d don't make no junk!" We are fearfully and wonderfully made and we are all so beautiful to Him and if we love Him we will revel in the lovely children who are our family. So with butterflies in my stomach as we make this climb I peer over the side of the car looking excited and a little frightened at how high we are up off the ground and anticipating what I know is coming. I look a little nervous but I know the way down will be THRILLING and OH SO WORTH IT!

The Drummer

One thing I find so interesting about G-d is how He gives vision... if you are seeking his will. Sometimes that vision doesn't really add up in your manner of thinking but you continue to press because you can just "feel" it is Him and not you. So when, after moving from Chicago, we started meeting people and having relationships with people and visiting peoples' homes we were a little baffled as to why we were being drawn to certain families that seemed so very different from us and what we had always known. One of the very first of these was a family where the dad was going to be leaving his job in just a few months to head up the family farm business and there were 11 people, 9 of them children, living under one roof. After a wonderful dinner with this family my husband and I felt for sure there was "a change a coming".
My husband and I both grew up on the busy city streets of Chicago. I had grown up being satiated by the excitement of the city. That only grew as I got older. There never had to be a dull, quiet moment in the city. I had travelled quite a bit as a child and went away to college so I had seen some places and really often thought it would be wonderful to live in another "city". After my husband joined the military, we knew we most certainly wouldn't stay in Chicago but really had no indication that coming back would not be part of our long term plans. What else was part of OUR plans? Me working outside the home had quickly been thrown out with the trash. I think that was one of those things G-d let us think was our idea until I tried to go back to work later and we found out who had really been the author of that decision. He really does have a sense of humor. We had wanted children. We had 4; a big family by today's standards. But were today's standards G-d's standards? The next matter to arise was educating our children at home. What does that mean? What about socialization??(side joke for all other parents of unsocialized homeschoolers)Is that legal??? I know now that it is because we do educate our children at home but at the time I had only heard of one person even mention it. The list does not stop there but those are some of the majors. Fast forward a few years Jonathan's job moves us to Texas. We had no doubt in our minds that we wanted to have a home in the country and try raising? chickens, maybe. And so here we are in the first phase of that process. We have our home in the country with a little bit of land and as we start our research on planting for the spring and getting some laying hens it makes me think honestly who are these people? What is really going on here? As I watched my children come out of the house the other day with their homemade flags and weapons they had made (they were doing a reenactment of the fighting that went on between Spain and France over Florida in the 16th century)I realized that G-d was accomplishing His work in our lives and in theirs. They have totally embraced this life that "we" are chiseling out for them and are very content. Romans 12:2 NLT "Don't copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let G-d transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Had you asked me 10 years ago what I thought my life would look like I am not sure what I would have answered. I know the life that I have would not have been my answer. We are different. You could say we march to the beat of a different drummer. The bible says KJV Pater 2:19 "But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people that ye should shew forth the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." We have been called out. For us we were called out of the city first and after that we continued to be called to be different. Different from the world around us, the "world" we grew up in, the "world" where we were comfortable because we look just like everyone else. There are times when I struggle and think it would be so much easier to "fit" in. But I know in the end it wasn't me who came up with this vision for my life. My Father who art in Heaven thought enough to plan this life out because he wanted me to have the desires of my heart; desires that He gave to me before I even knew them for myself. He was changing our thinking and putting people in front of us so we could see what was possible for us. I desired a loving husband, a peaceful home full of laughter, and happy children to take care of and to pour myself into. I don't know what is next there are things that I desire to see in my life and home, but I know that in the end I "shall be like Him". There will always be distractions and noise so I continue to turn my ears to listen because I will only march to His rhythm. How about you? All G-d's children Step in Time!